I have been trying to start this post the past few days but didn't know what to say, now it is coming up to a week since the beginning of my miscarriage I feel I am in a better place now.
There is no structure to this post, I'm just sitting here and typing whatever feels right at the time, I just want to explain my absence and talk about what has been going on the past week, it has been one hell of a roller coaster.
When I got my positive pregnancy test I was surprised but I kind of knew, as the previous week I had experienced kidney stones which I hadn't had that kind of pain down below since I was 30+ weeks pregnant with Isla. So when I got the pain it was my first sign that I could be pregnant, it lasted for 2-3 days and then went away. After getting my positive pregnancy test I was having symptoms, they wasn't very strong though and it worried me, but everyone was saying how all pregnancies are different and I should relax, but deep down I knew something wasn't right.
So lets rewind back to Friday 25th July 2014, it was a odd day in terms of the weather one minute it was sunny, the next it was raining. I went on time hop and realised that a year previous we had taken Isla to a splash park and jokingly I text Perry and said how cool would it of been if we could of taken her exactly a year later. Well my wish came true and the next thing I know Perry comes walking through the door telling me to get ready. I was having a few slight cramps but I knew it was normal in early pregnancy so we headed off to the splash park, it had started to rain lightly but Isla was going to get wet anyway so we just stayed and let her go in. She was having a blast, running round screaming with laughter and excitement, I was sat on a bench with a towel wrapped round me watching her play while Perry stayed near her to keep an eye on her.
I got up to go to the toilet and when I got in there I noticed I was bleeding, immediately I went straight back to Perry and told him what was going on, he grabbed Isla and we headed back to the car. All the way home I just knew it was happening, when we got home I went back to the toilet and the bleeding had got more intense and also I had a really bad period cramp. Crying, I left the bathroom and shook my head to tell him it was over, I got into bed and just laid there all evening. He kept asking to take me to A&E but I knew there was nothing they could do to help me, they would just send me home and tell me to wait it out. I felt confident my body knew what it was doing and as it had come naturally I didn't feel the need to go to the hospital. Once Isla was in bed we finally got to talk about what was happening, I was in shock and kept crying, I had only just told myself that everything was going to be ok and now I was bleeding. I had my heat pad on my stomach trying to get rid of the intense pain and cramping. I was talking to my friend who had been through this before and she was the only one who made me feel better, she understood, she knew what it was like. While talking to her she sent me a picture through, it was of a rainbow that she could see out of her window. It was the strangest feeling ever, I got a warm feeling inside and it just felt like it was for me, it was a sign.
The following day the bleeding was heavy but the cramping had gone, I rested most of the day but Perry asked what I wanted to do, the only thing that would make me feel better was spoiling my little girl. So off to Smyths we went and I set a budget for £20 to spend on Isla. We got her a scooter and some beach / garden toys and still walked away with change, I had to come straight home as the bleeding was really bad when I stood up so I laid down on the sofa and watched films with Isla. I was starting to feel better emotionally and physically until the next day.
Sunday morning is when it happened, I lost the baby. Without going into to much detail I hope you know what I mean. This knocked me back down, I wasn't expecting to see what I did and it brought everything back, all the emotions but I did get to say goodbye so I am thankful for that. After loosing the baby the bleeding was really light and starting to go away, I had no more cramps or pains and was once again starting to feel better, so I hopped in the shower and come out feeling fresh and positive. A lot of people have said stuff like, "it was only early" etc but to me that wasn't the point, it was still my baby, it was still something so precious that I fell in love with as soon as I read Pregnant on the screen of a test.
It has been a crazy week but I am feeling in a much better place now then I was the weekend. My next post will be about my visit to the doctors and what is happening now, also what will happen when I feel ready to try for our rainbow baby.